Top 3 reasons I'm goin to Hell aka "The Jesus - Jayz argument" (Randoms)

Top 3 recent reasons why I'm going to hell

1. I replied to someones facebook status that stated: "Jesus promises you (the believer) two things. A cross to die on and eternal life. He demands everything from us."
   
   The conversation went as follows:
   Me: I dont wanna die on a cross. Im confused.
   
   Dude: Its not about what we want is it? The cross, of course, was a means of execution. To take the cross and follow Christ(Matt. 10:38) means to live in such devoted abandonment to Him that even death itself is not too high a price to pay. "For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better." -Phil. 1:21
   
   Me: I dont think Christ really wants me to do that.
   
   Dude: to do what?
   
   Me: hang out on crosses. :/ I dont even think he probably really cares whether i'm like devoted. I think he got other priorities. I think hed like me to be devoted but like, he ain't really pressed, naw mean.
   
   Dude: Naw I dont know what u mean. If u claim to be a Christian then he wants your whole heart and total devotion, yes. He wants to be first in your life (greatest commandment). Be hot or cold.
   
   Me: I don't think hes pressed. I think hes walking around, sandals on, with infinite love in his heart and stuff. loving everybody without a care in the world. happy jesus. yup
   
   All of this eventually lead me to the following conclusions.
   
   • Jesus isn't pressed. Like Jesus wants to be your friend, so he'll send you a friend request. If you decline, you still get the infinite love...
     
     
     
     
   • I'm pretty sure that Jesus doesn't want me hanging up on a cross. Like, Jesus did that so I wouldn't have to. Kinda like Jay-z...
     
     When he said, "Actin' like I sold you crack. Like I told you sell drugs, no Hov did that so hopefully you wouldn't have to go through that".
     
     HOV did that sos I wouldn't have to.... kinda like Jesus.
   
   
   
2. During sacrament when I was a kid, I used to lean over and ask people "Are you gonna finish your grape juice?"
   
   I really liked Grape juice. That Jesus Wafer wasn't half bad either....
   
   
3. This is an old blog post from November 2006.
   
   I'm going to hell.
   But its cool. Its inevitably going to be hot (it is hell)but so long as its a dry heat, I'll manage. I would rather not deal with humidity.
   
   I will aim for a position in middle management. Hell has to have a hierarchy, some type of bureaucracy with all the politicians there and I think with hard work I could definitely advance through the organizational structure.
   
   Just in case hell is less organized than I imagine, I will aim for being the devil's chill partner. He's high up and I'm sure he has some type of posse or entourage. Devils gotta have henchmen.
   
   One way or the other, I'm sure that the pay is either shitty or nonexistent, but that's alright. What do I need money for in my afterlife, unless there's inflation in hell? I wouldn't do it for the money anyway. I merely want to say occupied, you know?

Yup. Hell bound.

Ok, so I brunched last Sunday and I met this dude. Fine. Kinda funny but he raised entirely too many flags in less than a 3 day period so I had to let that alone. Let me explain.

1. You fine.... You're 35 and you are divorced with no kids. What's up with that? That shit don't add up. Not at all.
   
   
2. You say you own a rather specific type of company which you operate out of
   a very specific location....
   
   So why, when I google the type of business, your name and the location, I get nada. You the owner and proprietor and I can't locate anything with your name on it. Not a web page. Nothin.
   
   
3. I ask why you're divorced with no kids... You explain that you have a baby gestating in someone uterus as we speak.

Whoa. Lies? Already. Seriously...

Then he pulled the ultimate fumble. He texted me about 15 mins after we parted ways. WE JUST MET! Play it cool.

I had to pass on all parts of this. Besides, things over 32 expressly turn me off anyways.

Even on overdrive, with your best efforts, some Viagra, a ecstasy pill and a red bull, you still ain't hittin it like a 20 some odd year old. They just have more energy.

I can teach one of them some 30 year old type tricks but I cannot imbued a 30 some odd year old with a 20 some odd year old's energy. That is beyond my capabilities.

Public Service Announcement: Do Not Fake Orgasms.

Just don't. It's a horrible idea. Essentially, when you fake, you do a disservice to everyone. You unfairly emotionally reward someone who did nothing for you. You give them a false concept of how effective they are and give them a boost of sexual esteem that they don't deserve. You set yourself up to either continue to fake orgasms with them in the future or cut them off all together because what they think makes you cum doesn't. (When people think they have a system that works, they tend to stick with it.)

I don't want to have anything or anyone that I can't live without. That which you can't live without is something that you need and what you need owns you wholly. The need that I have, overwhelming, is the need to be able to leave. If I feel that I am starting to need something a little too much, I run. I get to "feelin some kinda way" and I dip.

I was slated to do a guest blog spot about memories. I need you to know that even the word memories fucks me up. There's whole years of memories that are spotty. Times that were shitty. Things that I did that were shitty. Most of the memories tha I have clearly are the none too good traumatic ones. That's because they cut deep and the pain, emotional and otherwise were crisp. I actually gave up on the memories piece. I'd rather do that than have to dig through memories that rival lifetime movies. Fuck it.

It feels like commitment is really just boiling down to finding someone you trust enough to use the Sponge with.

I love my life. Don't get it twisted. I do. I am able to do shit and see shit and experience shit that alot of people don't get to. It's part luck. Its part audacity. It's part personality. When you aren't always attractive, you develop other skills. When I was chunky as a youth, it allowed me the space to study, learn and get smart. Probably the main reason I didn't get "teen pregnant". When my face got fucked up in that car accident, I had to up my people skills to compensate. And I truly did learn that fortune does favor the bold. It also favors the attractive. If you have one, kudos. If you have both, you'd be amazed the shit you can pull off.

One time I did this:



Go Hard. The payoff is normally worth the risk. and yes, he is was fun as he looks.