The Good, the Bad & the Semi-Literate

Trust that these are randoms: This landed in my inbox on Facebook yesterday from one of my oldest and most reliable booty calls: I want to lay you back, watch you smile as my tongue first hits your calve, and watch that smile turn into moans as it inches up higher and higher...I want to grab you by the thighs and spread your legs ...so my tongue can lick your pussy from the very bottom...all the way up and over your clit (throbbing and hard)...and pull away...I want to thrust my tongue deep inside and fuck you with my mouth...I want to squeeze your ass and pull you up off the bed to get a deeper lick...I want to watch your breast rise and fall with each heavy breath....I want to feel your nipples get hard between my fingertips...ready for my hot wet mouth to surround them...I want to make you cum. So I decided to venture out into the world and visit with my old dear friends... well worth the trip. Don't that shit read like a letter to Penthouse. He could most definitely be the next...

So, I slept for about 14 hrs today. Seriously. I got home last night and got a call from a guy who I am "not serious" with that went alil something like this: "You won't believe what happened. See I paid my child support, but then they sent me a check calling it overage but now they are saying I owe it and there is a $500 dollar warrant out for my arrest but I put 3 on it and now all I need is this 200. So Imma be arrested if I don't get $300 dollars as soon as possible" Don't be alarmed if there seemed to be a mathematical contradiction in that story. I didn't make a mistake. Those were his words, not mine. Now, I just got paid today. So technically, I could give him this money. But I have a rule about bailing out men over 30 who habitually live beyond their means. I don't. You got to read about the tragedy of EX 07. Did you note that no where in that post did it mention that he owed me some ridiculous amount of money? That is because I alrea...

I just got back from the dentist... always an exhilarating adventure. I started going there a year ago due to complications from malnutrition that developed due to an "eating problem" that I acquired right out of college. Apparently, if you don't supply your bodily organs with the nutrients that they need, they simply give up on you. We spent time together (me and my dental technician), where she scolded me for not flossing and I explained that I was preoccupied with numerous other things that made flossing irrelevant. First off, I'd like to explain what this blog is not.... Apparently I am learning to sensor... Today was a not so good day.... which means that this blog was almost an "Open letter to my Ex" until I realized that doing so would be the least effective way of expressing my feelings and that I should just call him instead. Most of the time I'd just keep it to myself but my shrink and the lessons on malnutrition that I learned from my "ea...

I had a very loosely formed blog that I never got around to finishing called the "Why choose (Penis)" blog. Essentially this was about big ass dick syndrome and I never could bring myself to finish it. Big ass dick syndrome is a phemomenon that I noticed among men. It's a level of swag carried by men with big ass dicks. Confidence, cockiness, call it what you will. And in trying to write about it, I saw that the theory itself was completely fallacious in nature, which is probably why I never finished it. So I decided to write a different blog, because the Big Ass Dick blog was really about having it all.... Love sex money happiness. Why can't you have it all? I just realized something while driving to my hair appointment, because apparently you can be extra insightful if you are sleep deprived. You can have it all, all that you need. You just have to give up some shit. Them wants: Them 7-11s Them delivery penises Them fun junts..... Flirting is great and all but flirt...

The Tale of Thickness Thickness and I dated probably roughly 6 months ago. Thickness lived in New Jersey and I became acquainted with her through my father. She is sassy and he felt that we would get along. Thickness comes from a family that has a proclivity for shanking people. No, seriously. Her father went to prison for stabbing someone to death. Her sister is currently in prison for stabbing someone. She has on numerous times told my father (in regards to something that I may or may not have done) “Don’t that bitch know, I Will Kill Her Ass?” Now, her temper and tendency to default to violence would be an automatic two strikes, if she wasn’t SO FUCKIN THICK. And not just in the hips, but lips as well, with a lil ass waist. Loves football. Has no use for men unless they’re cakin her and is completely unapologetic in the manner in which she will cuss you the fuck out. And come to think of it, if she was just Thick , she’d lose part of her charm. Cuz she’s smart as hell. And sassy...

Things I lost in the divorce. Breakups are never easy. The longer the relationship, the more you stand to lose…. Whenever I go through an especially difficult breakup, I call that shit a “divorce”. Case in point: Ever known a couple who was going through a breakup and had to sit around arguing about visitation rights for their dog? When shit gets to that point, that shit has escalated beyond a mere breakup into what I would deem to count as a divorce. I mean, if you are figuring out who gets what and arguing over it, that shit is more serious than just a breakup. Whenever a relationship that involves cohabitation comes to an end, someone is about to seriously lose some shit, real talk. You never know when some shit will fall apart and next thing you know, you just lost the scarf your grandmother gave you before she passed away. This is why I try to make a point not to leave shit, ever . The best methods I have found are Don’t bring a lot of shit over. What the fuck do you need your...

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Shit that’s not gonna fucking fly. 1. Knocking on my door at 1am. 2. Continuing to knock for the next 40 mins. 3. Calling me saying you just wanna talk at 1am 4. Insisting that you stayed in the district til 1am just to talk to me (I was home all day, dumb ass. I was not born yesterday, you waited that late on the off chance that: a) You might get some pussy (Naw, I’m good) or b) You thought it was too late for me to not let you crash (you got me fucked up, 4real!) 5. Asking me why I’m being "ignorant" cuz I won’t open the fuckin door at 1:40 am so that you can tell me your side of the story. (Knocking on anyone’s door at 1am is pretty fucking ignorant and calling me ignorant is a surefire way for you to stay on the other side of that door. Additionally, I do not give a fuck about your side of the story because you have repeatedly lied as of late. In 2 months, you rivaled the level of bullshit it took my ex 8 years to accomplish which means that either he was very good at wha...