The Good, the Bad & the Semi-Literate

The Eastern Star Adventure Okay, 1st off I got lost. Real talk. But only a lil bit. So I get there and the first thing I notice is that I am the only "Person of Color" there. Cool. Fine. It was alil like a family reunion with my Mom's side. So I go to the bathroom and get distracted by the Meeting/Alter room. Not really sure what it was but I deeply felt like I shouldn't have been there. Still stared real hard tho... Whatev. I go back to the main room, following the voiding of my bladder. We chit chat quite a bit with everyone. We (My coworker and I) are 2 of only four people there under 30. Interesting. People keep on touching me in places that make me uncomfortable.... Like on both shoulders, like this: Or on the small of my back. Like women in their 60's and 70's. These are spots that I consider to be my intimate spots so this shit is offputting. The man next to me asked me who Kris Kringle was in relation to Santa Claus. I speculate that perhaps they are f...

I got tagged. Essentially getting tagged is the Blog equivalant of a fuckin chain letter, but I figured, fuck it..... So Amber Alert and Everyone needs a little TLC... .... Here it goes. First here are the rules: 1. Link back to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog 2. Share 7 weird/random facts about urself 3. Tag 7 random ppl at the end of your post and include links to their blogs 4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog here goes nothin: 1. I've Never been to a Professional Basketball Game. College. Yes. High School. Yes. But in both cases I was messing with someone on the team and they liked it when I showed up. I always brought a book. Always. Try reading Ayn Rand at a basketball game. It is odd. Actually, I only realized this today, cuz I got asked out to a basketball game with a guy who makes me laugh, and smile. I shall go. Sans book. 2. Ashley is my New Ungay Gay Wife. Yup. She isn't gay. But neithe...

Amusingdoms: It's strange how people come across this blog. Some of these google searches are off the chain. Someone came upon this blog by searching for : fuck your tight wet pussy tonight poem. Interesting. Another one... "How to buy cigarettes" Went to the strip club the other day. Two really interesting things happened: A guy outside tried to sell me and my friend a Centrum. Yes that's right.... A single multi-vitamin..... One of the strippers on stage had a tampon string hanging out. It was disturbing. I am still a lil traumatized. Also, I realized that gettin paid to shake my Vag in someones face might be where it's at. I might need to make that move to pay my way through Grad school. My neighborhood is off the chain. There is a guy running around (who lives in the neighborhood) pulling licks on women and children in broad fucking daylight. Apparently he just got out of jail... I am certain he will be going back real soon. Now I gotta have motherfuckers w...

Psssttttt… It’s a secret…… This is a mini ode to "Tell em how you feel Thursday." Shit I got some things I got to say. Dear guy with only one condom…. When you got whiskey dick and lost it and you didn’t have another condom, so I left….. Psssst… it’s a secret. I keep two Magnums in my wallet at all times. I didn’t want to break them out because: You wouldn’t have been able to fill it out and that’s just unsafe… You didn’t look like you were going to do anything worth staying up for and I was kinda tired. I think that reasons 1 and 2 are reason enough. I am not even going to try and figure out a 3rd. Hey you….….. I did your friend one time…. I have no intentions of telling you unless I absolutely have to…. Therefore I probably never will…. Dear old guy, You want me more than I could ever want you…. And tho I'm sure that you come with lots of experience and shit…. I still don’t want to have sex with you. I think you’re old, possibly sadistic, and I'm sure you have...

Two Whack Dates and a car accident…. First off, the title of this blog is an ode to Beck’s song “Where it's at”, for all of you who don't know.... Friday, I was determined to get sleep. Apparently not too determined cuz I ended up going out with “The Lobbyist”. (In the future, I plan on referring to everyone I spend any time with by the nicknames that I use when I refer to them in conversations with my friends, as I have adopted my mother’s policy when it comes to men… Specifically, don’t use their names unless they matter…. And they don’t…..) So I went out with “The Lobbyist”. The following lessons were learned: I will not go out with anyone over 30. They are boring and they have a sense of responsibility and obligation that I gives not a fuck about. I AM 25. I want to be young and enjoy it. And being responsible so that people can pat me on the back for bein all grown up like and shit … Not worth it. Being responsible because “I’m Supposed To Be”… also not worth it…. No. an...

Lately I’ve been thinking about having kids….. No. Not like me running out and having kids. Just whether I ever want to have them or not. I know quite a few men who lack intergrity and scruples and the thought of carrying one of their fetuses is nauseating to say the least. Everytime I see people out with their kids, they look like they wish they could have them motherfuckers unborn or some shit….. I dunno, that shit appears to be for the birds… But whatever. I have a wealth of random knowledge that I had planned to share with my children and sans kids, I figured I'd share it with you. My normal “Sex Talk” with the youths goes like this: For Girls: Stay away from boys. They’re dirty. For Boys: Use condoms. (Just in case they run into some girls who didn’t get the “Stay away from boys. They’re dirty” speech). But I realized that I have quite a bit of good knowledge to share about shit so I shall share away, cuz hey sex happens The "Good Girls" Guide to Freaky College S...

Recap with my shrink & why God didn’t give me a penis. Checked in with my Shrink. That’s always exhilarating. First he asks, “Hows the relationship?”. Me: Hmmm, well we broke up. Dr. Shrinkman: Wow. Me: Yeah, the day after I left my last appointment. Dr. Shrinkman: Wow. Me Yeah. He ignored my phone calls and texts the entire day. Dr. Shrinkman: He did What? Me: Exactly… Essentially I said Fuck you, cuz I felt ignored. He apparently didn’t like that so he broke up with me. Dr. Shrinkman: Well, what’s the opposite of love?” Me: Indifference, Doc. Indifference…. And that’s what it felt like when he ignored me for no reason other than he couldn’t be bothered to text me back….. Dr. Shrinkman: Very good! I think it might be of value to discuss why you always choose “The Wrong Men” (he did not use words this nice). Cie la vie…. My shrinkman. He is smart. I have been on a short hiatus lately. We all know why I don’t write when I don’t write…. I’ve been busy… doing stuff…. O...

Preamble.... So yesterday I had the most hits of any day that I’ve had the site up. 118. Before that it was like 108, on April 1st... I also broke 3000 views, which makes me happy considering that this blogs only been up since late March and June was by far my shittiest month. Getting laid on the regular makes that happen. I always work better when I am pent up from lack of orgasms... so these next few months should provide for some decent reading....Anywho.... I am a stats freak when it comes to this blog so averaging 658 views a month pleases me more than a lil bit.... Some of you are coming from others sites and alot of you are new readers, because you are poppin up in the middle of the day and just reading through damn near everything I've written. Don't yall work? Especially yall Government folks. and there are alot of you government folks... damn. Thanks for reading. Also, here are some of the most popular pages, just incase you get bored and wanna read something. All of ...

I’m never dating again. Ever. Here's the deal. I did the math and anytime I start seeing someone exclusively… that shit hits the beginning of that 4th month and it all goes to hell. Either they stop trying or I get thoroughly annoyed or they ask me to sell crack for them (funny and surprisingly true). SO from now on, just to cut through the bullshit, I will no longer date. I will cap all exclusive endeavors at the beginning of that 4 month mark. That way I can remember shit on a high note. Whenever I meet someone, ill tell them this shit off top. I plan on always having a new one waiting in the wings, just in case what I’m doing goes sour. 3 months, shit, or less. If that shit gets outlandish….. Ill break out beforehand. Everything happens for a distinct reason. When I met my now Ex… My main goal was to get published. Point blank. I fucks with blogging but id love to get paid to put pen to paper on the daily. So when I was kicking it with Hicks on Sunday and told him I had to bust ...

Lesson learned: After 9 years of dating, I still know absolutely nothing about men. I would love to say that I have learned to pick someone who is gentle with my heart… not sure about that. My heart feels eternally smooooooshed. Like it got ran over by a big truck. And then backed over again. And I feel like, last time I gave up on dating, I felt much the same way. So I guess its back to square one. Cuz I don’t think I can manage to weather feeling like this again. And the lessons of last Easter are all fairly relevant. Forgiveness is a gift. It’s a gift for whomever you are forgiving but moreover it is a gift for yourself because until you forgive, you’re going stuck in the same fucked up mentality that whatever the other person did stuck you into in the first place. If you are talking to your home girl for 2 hours about how you are OVER it…. You are blatantly not over it. All women hate feeling discarded. Honestly the entire post is relevant but these ring especially true to me today...

I got dumped. Yeah. It sucked. And as an ode to getting dumped, I shall recount my last few days. Wednesday I got dumped. I got drunk. I talked to “Gregor” the roach that lives under my stove. I talked to Trent in Atlanta on the phone. I wandered outside and talked to Tanya whose boyfriend was in jail for 5 years. I told her she was lucky cuz he's coming back and mines isn't. Roomie came home and I cried. Thursday I woke up. I went to the bus stop and this guy hopped up on PCP had his shirt around his neck like it was a cape and had a pillow held tight to his chest. He ran across traffic, dodging cars on North Capitol and flattened himself against the divider in the middle, waiting for the cars to pass. Then he went “WHEEE” and skipped across the street and ran down the block. I went to work. I cried at work. I went home. I cried at home. I took sleeping pills and slept. Friday I skipped work and cried more. He dropped off my stuff so that it would be Over Over and I cried s...

I got home from group yesterday after listening to people talk about their “weed habits”…. It is sooooo strange being the youngest one in group….. Bob Saget is the shit…. And as per usual, the one real out there lady tried to convince everyone to get off of their meds and this new lady decided to talk about how she’d take two pulls of a J and then fuck her boyfriend. The new cameo therapist tried to encourage us all to kick our habits (which is extra fucking weird cuz it’s a mood disorder group and none of us really actually have drug problems, we have mood disorders and anxiety and trust and intimacy issues…..). This is why I almost never go to group and if I do go, I am religiously at least 30 minutes late…. (cuz if I don’t go, Dr. man gets pissy and threatens to take away my meds.) Long day yesterday. Whatever. Onward.... wit that which is random. Reinserted post breakup (Because its the truth. You never were there for me when I needed you because you were a self absorbed egotist...

R Kelly was acquitted. No, really. I'm just as shocked as you. I saw that tape and my thoughts while watching it were as follows: R Kelly has a little dick. R Kelly has erectile dysfunction. R Kelly is a bama for recording this shit knowing damn well he has a small dick and erectile dysfunction. R Kelly knows damn well that that girl ain’t 18. That girl can't dance. R Kelly is telling her to piss on the floor? R Kelly has no intention of mopping that up. If R Kelly mopped his own floors, he’d just let her pee in a toilet like a normal person. I feel sorry for R Kelly's maid. Is he gonna cum in her face? I hope it doesn't get into her eye. That shits bound to hurt. Wow. Not pee. OH DEAR God! Not Pee! But in her face tho? Ummm that explains a lot. R Kelly is weird. R Kelly single handedly took pissing on people out of my list of kinky shit and landed it squarely in my "that's weird but more common than you think" list. I even saw the R Kells eats ass vide...

Self, Script, WhiteFolks and Moet Mimosas This is one of the many stories from possibly the most ignorant year of my life: 2001@ Hampton University. There are a slew of ignorant stories: The “Patious” adventure, the Baked African American History final, the time I got my whole deck pulled in the Cafeteria and had to look at the ground, the time we hitched a ride in the Burger king drive thru to go to Norfolk, the time we went to convocations drunk, the 1st weekend that I didn't make it home, the 2101 Boyz adventures. The tales of Lefty, Angry, tha B-more Bamma, Rich guy and Dirty, the Yellow Pissy house and the infamous 5 dudes, 3 hrs, 1 chair story (No, nasty. It’s not what you think....) But this story is one of the most significant because this was the first tine I learned the importance of getting peoples real names instead of just getting aliases. It all started at the bookstore. Hampton took a lot of time warning us of the perils of outsiders. No one paused for the cause and ...

Landmines, Embryos, Roll Over Cuss Outs and The Official Record of things…. Tired as hell…. Randoms Sometimes you have situations that are inevitably going to blow up in your face. Like sleeping with one girl secretly and simultaneously hollarin at her cousin. Situations like that, I call them landmines. You know its gonna explode. Its just a matter of when...... So you might as well enjoy it while you can. True story: When I was 16 I decided to stay out all night. Pager straight blowin up. By the time 11 pm came, that shit was a wrap. My ass was in deep shit. So I decided to have as much fun as possible. I got grounded for a month. But I accomplished a goal. And it was worth it. Fine dudes should not be allowed 2 know each other. It presents me with a conflict of interests. Cuz I wanna holla at both of your fine asses. What ever happened to old school ass hatin type dudes? Where the fine dude hangs wit ugly dudes to make himself look that much finer. Shit that was said and heard. Ever...